7 Simple Habits That Quietly Changed My Life
I’m a believer that when something in your life needs to change, you’ll know.
Sometimes, it’s just obvious, like a flat tyre.
Until you replace the flat with a new one, you’re stuck and can’t move forward.
At other times, the signs show up in less obvious ways: You’re not eating the way you should. You wake up feeling anxious at 2am every night. You’re constantly distracted.
Either way, you just feel off.
I’ve gotten better at recognising these signs over the years, and realised that nine times out of ten, the change that needs to happen will usually need to come from one (or more) of these areas of my life or myself: My relationships, initiative, self-respect or self-care.
When in doubt, start small.
Some of the biggest changes in my life didn’t come from taking big leaps, setting ambitious goals, or attempting to reinvent myself overnight.
They came from small decisions that I made over and over again.
They don’t look particularly impressive from the outside, but they’ve slowly changed how I spend my time, how I think, how I treat myself, and how I move through the world.
More importantly, they’ve gotten me to pay more attention to what drains me and what nourishes me.
As a result, life has started to feel lighter, quieter and more like my own.
And so, I’ve turned these small decisions into habits that have made a bigger difference than I ever expected:
1. I constantly review who gets access to me.
I used to think that being a good person meant being there for everyone.
If someone needed my help, I was there.
And if they were distressed enough, I’d do whatever it took to accommodate their needs and comfort, putting my own aside for as long as they needed me to.
Except that when the time came for them to consider me and my needs, they didn’t.
One of the most painful lessons I’ve had to learn was this: That not everyone will have my back even though I’ve got theirs.
I’ve also learned that not every relationship needs to be repaired, not every misunderstanding needs to be resolved, and not everyone needs to understand a decision that I’ve made.
Why? Because the cost of trying to do all of the above has been and will likely still be:
- Agreeing to have someone else rewrite my reality.
- Apologizing for something someone else did because they are always right and I am always wrong.
- Giving endlessly to someone who thinks they deserve everything while I deserve nothing.
I’ve since realised that sometimes, the healthiest thing that I can do is to quietly step back from what’s not good for me.
2. I match people’s energy and effort.
I pour deeply into my relationships, but before I do, I pay attention to who makes an effort, who keeps their word, and who treats our connection with the mutual care, respect and integrity it deserves.
I no longer chase for anyone’s attention, assume that everything should fall on my shoulders, or that I’m obligated to keep nourishing the relationships that deplete me.
Now, I meet people where they meet me.
If there’s a disagreement or conflict, and if they’re not willing to even meet me halfway to find a way through it, then it’s over.
Don’t get me wrong — this isn’t about keeping score or withholding kindness.
It’s about being smart with my heart and resources, and allowing the people who come into my orbit to show me where they really belong, instead of me automatically placing them where I want them to be, regardless of whether they’ve earned the spot or not.
I’ve realised that I can be kind without being the person who always does the heavy lifting.
3. I do the hard things that need to be done.
Not doing the hard thing feels easier in the moment.
The uncomfortable conversation. The heartbreaking decision. The doctor’s appointment we’ve been putting off.
Avoiding these things can feel comforting right now because it’s putting off the change we know is coming, but don’t want to face.
By putting it off, we get to postpone the discomfort it brings and go on with life as though everything’s ok.
But avoidance doesn’t make problems disappear.
Often, it simply follows us around in the background, quietly draining our mental and emotional energy.
I’ve since learned that doing the difficult thing is often less exhausting than spending weeks, months or even years dreading it.
This doesn’t mean that I rush into every decision blindly.
It means that when I know something needs to be done, I don’t negotiate endlessly with myself (or anyone else). I take that first step, even when I don’t feel ready.
Sometimes, it looks like I’m making a major move. At other times, it looks like simply making a phone call, booking that appointment, or finally distancing myself from someone who doesn’t seem to have any issues crossing my boundaries.
And you know what? The relief that comes afterwards is often worth far more than the temporary comfort of procrastination that avoidance can bring.
4. I stop putting things off.
As a master-procrastinator-in-recovery, one of my most-used phrases used to be “I’ll do it later.”
Except that more often than not, I never did.
I used to tell myself that I’d start when I finally have more time. I’ll get around to decluttering and downsizing my things when things settle down.
I’ll bring that idea to life when I feel more confident about pulling it off.
I’ll take better care of myself when life doesn’t feel so chaotic.
And then I realise that the perfectly-arranged life that I hoped would come, rarely ever does.
There will always be something else to do. Another responsibility to fulfil. Another unexpected problem to solve. Another reason to wait.
So instead of waiting, I’ve been learning to get going despite it all.
I don’t need to feel completely ready. I don’t need to reach the finish line today, I don’t need to declutter my entire home in one weekend, and I don’t need to write that book in a week.
Instead, I can clear out one drawer at a time. I can make one appointment. I can write one page a day.
Then, I can keep learning as I go.
And the great thing about small beginnings is that they help reduce the weight of a task that feels impossibly huge.
They also help me build trust in myself: Each time I follow through with something that I said I would do, I strengthen the belief that I can rely on myself.
So now, I no longer spend as much time (hey, I didn’t say I was perfect) preparing to live the life I actually want.
I’m choosing to live it now, in whatever small way I can.
5. I prioritise simplicity.
When I think about the days ahead of me, I think about how I don’t want to waste any more of my time.
I don’t want to create clutter in my life, only to have to spend time minimizing it later on (been there, done that).
I don’t want to waste it repeating the same mistakes over and over again, only to have to spend time getting back on my feet.
I don’t want to waste it having pointless arguments with toxic people who only have the capacity to go around in circles, instead of solving problems.
I don’t want to waste it overcoming unnecessary complications that could’ve been avoided.
The less unnecessary complexity I carry, the more room I have for the things that genuinely matter: My health, work, closest relationships, home and the everyday moments that make life worth living.
And so I’ve been taking stock of everything and everyone in my life.
I’ve been asking myself: Is this item or relationship genuinely adding value to my life, or am I keeping it out of habit, obligation, or the fear of missing out?
Sometimes, the answer is to let go of an object.
At other times, it means letting go of a relationship, declining an invitation, abandoning an unnecessary project, or choosing a simpler way of doing something.
6. I tighten up my self-care.
I used to think of self-care as something I could get around to when everything else was done.
Those few extra hours of sleep. The aromatherapy massage. The candles.
Yes, these indulgences feel good in the moment, but they don’t help me build the resilience I need to thrive from day to day.
For me, taking care of myself boils down to:
- Getting enough restful sleep
- Eating well
- Spending time with my closest friends and family
- Protecting myself from anything and anyone who disrupts my peace
- Exercising
- Guarding my financial health
So whenever I feel like I’m falling short in any of these areas (and I will feel it), I know it’s time to tighten up the habits that allow me to tick the right boxes.
The more consistently I care for myself, the less often I run on empty, and the less time I spend recovering from the consequences.
7. I let people be wrong about me.
One of the most liberating things I’ve started doing is to stop correcting every misconception people have about me.
I used to think that if someone misunderstood me in some way based on gossip or hearsay, I needed to explain myself to right whatever wrong impression they had of me.
I’ve since learned this: Not everyone is interested in understanding me.
Some people, for whatever reason, will have already decided who I am, and no amount of explaining will change their minds.
And you know what? That’s perfectly ok.
I don’t need to treat every misunderstanding as a problem I need to solve — especially if I’m not the one who created it.
And I certainly don’t need everyone to see me as someone who’s good, kind or well-intentioned. The people who are closest to me know who I really am, and that’s enough.
This doesn’t mean I never self-reflect, take responsibility for my actions or apologise when I’ve hurt someone — it simply means that I no longer make myself responsible for everyone else’s opinions of me.
I’d rather spend my time and energy building a life that I love rather than trying to convince people to see me a certain way.
Not every story someone tells about you requires your participation, and not every misunderstanding deserves your energy.
Sometimes, the best thing you can do is to let them be wrong about you and get on with your life.
HELPFUL RESOURCES
Simplify Your Life: 100 Ways To Slow Down And Enjoy The Things That Really Matter by Elaine St. James I got my hands on this treasure over 15 years ago, way before simple living and minimalism became popular, and it was the first resource that introduced me to the practical, everyday steps I needed to ‘un-complicate’ my life.
Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How To Say No To Take Control Of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend Not having boundaries can end up wreaking havoc in your relationships and leave you feeling resentful, used, and disrespected. In this book, Cloud and Townsend show you how to get over the guilt of setting limits (this is particularly helpful if you’re a recovering people-pleaser like me) and equip you with the skills you need to build healthy relationships that will fulfill, not drain you dry.
Difficult Conversations: How To Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen and Roger Fisher Lousy, conflict-ridden conversations strain relationships, and don’t make difficult relationships any better. Here, the authors take you into the process of managing and expressing your feelings constructively rather than constantly muddling through who’s right, who meant what and who’s to blame.
Rethinking Narcissism: The Secret To Recognizing And Coping With Narcissists by Dr. Craig Malkin I never realized narcissists existed until I became tangled up with one for several years. It was only after I discovered what a narcissist was that I understood the damage that had been done to me. Dr. Malkin, a therapist, explains the true nature of narcissism — the good and bad, how unhealthy levels of narcissism can wreak havoc on your life, how to spot red flags that you might be dealing with a narcissist, and how to not only cope, but thrive when dealing with the narcissists in your life.
The Simple Living Guide When life feels overwhelming, this guide-and-workbook-in-one will help you gain clarity with your values, well-being, career, relationships and money.
The Good Morning Guide If your mornings are typically rushed, chaotic and stressful, I made this guide to help you start your day calm, sane and strong.
Tribe Of Mentors: Short Life Advice From The Best In The World by Timothy Ferriss Nothing beats having a mentor in your life who can personally guide you from day one. But not everyone does, and if (like me), you don’t, it doesn’t mean that you can’t learn from the best. Take what you need from the likes of Ray Dalio, Ben Stiller, Bear Grylls and more in this varied but comprehensive compilation of bite-sized advice on life, work and purpose from some of the best minds in the world.
START FEELING CALMER, HAPPIER & HEALTHIER NOW.
If you’re too busy surviving, chances are, you’re not thriving. You’re feeling tired, unhealthy, unmotivated and just plain worn-out from life. I created my FREE Daily Self-Care Ritual Workbook just for busy folks like you who want to take back their health, peace of mind and happiness. Get your very own copy of the workbook HERE. No spam. Just helpful, good-for-you stuff. Pinky swear.
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