13 Signs You’re Living In Survival Mode (And Don’t Even Realise It)
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I remember how I felt when I was finally able to put a name to how I was living: Relieved.
The thing is, from the outside, I looked fine.
I looked like someone who was incredibly capable, responsible and productive.
But on the inside, my nervous system was quietly running a marathon that never seemed to end.
I knew something wasn’t right, but I couldn’t put my finger on what. I thought that this was just the way I was built.
Until I started going to therapy and learnt what being in survival mode was.
Suddenly, everything clicked. I finally understood what I was dealing with, and that meant I could begin the healing process.
If all this sounds familiar, here are some signs you might be living in survival mode too:
1. You’re constantly walking on eggshells.
For me, it was a constant tiptoeing around someone else’s rage and violence.
Sudden screaming or loud noises would get my heart racing or make me feel like it’s fallen to the ground like a large, heavy rock.
And so I was always on alert, anxious and feeling on edge — monitoring steps, moods and words.
Your own response to that ‘walking on eggshells’ feeling may be completely different.
It could be: Shrinking yourself so you don’t become a target, apologizing for things you never did to keep the peace, or silently absorbing the crossed boundaries and disrespect because you’re afraid of rocking the boat.
To me, this is one of the hallmarks of a toxic relationship — you feel like you’re constantly navigating a minefield, never knowing when the next explosion will happen—or what will trigger it.
2. You’re always waiting for the next problem to show up.
You never allow yourself to truly relax and let your guard down even when the dust looks like it has settled.
After all, you have to be ready to face the next ‘situation’, which usually rears its ugly head just when you start to think: “maybe I can have some peace for the next few days”.
You’re always watching, waiting, and bracing for the next shoe to drop (and you know it will).
It’s just a matter of when…and how.
3. You’ve stopped feeling hopeful.
Like everyone else, you have hopes and dreams.
But as the years have gone by, you’ve felt that glimmer of hope become dimmer, little by little.
It’s still somewhere inside of you, but the weight and urgency of surviving every single day takes up so much space and energy that you just don’t have the mental bandwidth to tend to them anymore.
After everything that’s happened, you’ve started believing you’re simply someone whom bad things happen to.
As for the good things? That’s for everyone else.
4. You’re constantly tired even after sleeping.
That is if you’re lucky enough to get a full night’s sleep.
On most days, your mind is so busy worrying, coping and rationalizing that it’s hard to wind down.
When the sun goes down and everything else gets quiet, that’s when the noise in your head gets the loudest.
And even when you do manage to fall asleep — three hours after going to bed, you find yourself waking up in the middle of the night, anxious and on the verge of a panic attack.
5. Your world has shrunk.
You’ve been so bogged down with coping and trying to be ok that you feel like surviving is all you do.
You’ve lost sight of who you are without this chaotic, dysfunctional mess that you’re living in, and struggle to imagine what a world outside of it looks like.
You know that for your own sake, you’ll need to climb your way out of this toxic space eventually, but right now, even taking the first step feels overwhelming.
6. You feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders.
This is because you’re not just trying to solve your own problems.
You’ve become the one who keeps everything together while everyone else falls apart.
Or maybe you’re the only one shouldering the fallout from their dysfunction, while they insist that they don’t have a problem (even though you and everyone else knows that they do).
Either way, you’re carrying a load that’s meant to be supported by a small village, and it’s crushing you under its weight.
7. You’re struggling to be present.
Instead of being present, you’re scanning rooms, reading moods and anticipating problems before they even happen.
If someone’s already been triggered, you find yourself getting dragged into toxic dramas that you didn’t start, or managing their emotions for them.
You almost never get the chance to slow down, breathe and just enjoy yourself because you’re constantly scrambling to fix one crisis after another.
8. You’re always busy, but never feel like you’re getting ahead.
‘Busy’ is your default setting.
You’re constantly planning, re-organising tasks, things and ideas, but somehow, end up getting very little done.
Stopping or slowing down feels uncomfortable, so you make sure that you keep going, even though you’re perpetually exhausted and running on empty.
9. Resting makes you feel guilty.
You find it incredibly hard to relax without feeling like you’re wasting time or being lazy.
Just the thought of taking a nap, eating a leisurely lunch or getting lost in a good book triggers a flood of guilt.
Maybe you don’t think that you ‘deserve’ to stop and rest, or that it will lead to you falling behind, so you keep going.
The only time you stop is when your mind and body stop you.
10. Small problems feel big and overwhelming.
What normally feel like minor inconveniences are now issues that threaten to upend your world.
It’s a ride running late, your dinner burning because you got distracted, or a leaking pipe in your bathroom ceiling that literally popped up overnight.
You’re having big, messy feelings towards small problems, and deep inside, you know that what you’re really frustrated at is what these ‘complications’ represent: Another unnecessary obstacle to deal with when your sanity’s already hanging by a thread.
11. You keep putting things off for when “things calm down”.
You keep saving the good stuff for a future where life will no longer feel heavy and complicated.
Wearing that gorgeous dress you fell in love with at first sight.
Going on that girl’s trip you and your friends have been talking about for years.
Using the beautiful dinnerware your grandmother gave you before she died.
You’re afraid to do the things that you know will make you happy because you’re afraid that someone or something will rip it away from you.
So you keep that happiness tucked safely away where no one can touch it, including you.
12. You struggle to make decisions.
Most days, you feel so overwhelmed that just deciding what to have for lunch is a struggle.
When it comes to big decisions, you find yourself terrified of making the wrong ones — leading to analysis paralysis, so you put it off for as long as you can.
This, or you avoid making a decision altogether, leaving the important things in your life that need to be tended to, up in the air.
When you do eventually get around to making a choice, the process feels excruciatingly difficult.
You’re already so mentally stretched that you’re unable to weigh your options as well as their pros and cons methodically, logically and rationally.
This leaves you vulnerable to making emotionally reactive, rather than intentional decisions.
13. You don’t feel in control of your own life.
Everything that you do every single day is centered around your survival:
- Being hyper-sensitive to your surroundings all the time.
- Avoiding one person because being around them brings you down.
- Shrinking around another so you don’t set them off.
- Deep cleaning your kitchen (yet again) to cope with your growing anxiety.
- Spending your entire weekend dealing with someone else’s violent meltdown.
- …and then needing to spend the next 5 days recovering from the weekend fallout.
You feel like everything is happening to you, and that you’re just a passenger in your own life while everything and everyone else calls the shots.
You desperately want to take back the wheel, but don’t know how or if it’s even possible.
If you can relate to any of these signs, here’s what I want you to know: There’s nothing inherently wrong with you.
Your mind and body have simply learned to respond this way because it’s been in an environment that doesn’t feel safe.
Living this way may have helped you survive the chapter you’re in, but it doesn’t have to dictate the rest of your story, which remains unwritten.
Healing isn’t about becoming a completely different person overnight — it’s about gradually teaching your mind and body that you’re not just allowed to, but also have the right to, feel safe again.
That it’s okay to rest.
To feel happy without waiting for something bad to happen.
To dream about a different future instead of simply trying to make it from one day to the next.
To feel in control of your own life.
For me, everything changed the day I finally understood what was happening inside of me.
Giving what I was going through a name didn’t solve everything, but it helped to restore something I’d been missing for years: Hope.
And sometimes, hope is where healing begins.
So if today is the day you’ve finally realised that you’ve been living in survival mode, let this realisation be the beginning of something new — not the dead end you’ve been dreading.
You deserve so much more than a just life spent merely surviving.
You deserve the chance to truly live.
HELPFUL RESOURCES
Simplify Your Life: 100 Ways To Slow Down And Enjoy The Things That Really Matter by Elaine St. James I got my hands on this treasure over 15 years ago, way before simple living and minimalism became popular, and it was the first resource that introduced me to the practical, everyday steps I needed to ‘un-complicate’ my life.
Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How To Say No To Take Control Of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend Not having boundaries can end up wreaking havoc in your relationships and leave you feeling resentful, used, and disrespected. In this book, Cloud and Townsend show you how to get over the guilt of setting limits (this is particularly helpful if you’re a recovering people-pleaser like me) and equip you with the skills you need to build healthy relationships that will fulfill, not drain you dry.
Difficult Conversations: How To Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen and Roger Fisher Lousy, conflict-ridden conversations strain relationships, and don’t make difficult relationships any better. Here, the authors take you into the process of managing and expressing your feelings constructively rather than constantly muddling through who’s right, who meant what and who’s to blame.
Rethinking Narcissism: The Secret To Recognizing And Coping With Narcissists by Dr. Craig Malkin I never realized narcissists existed until I became tangled up with one for several years. It was only after I discovered what a narcissist was that I understood the damage that had been done to me. Dr. Malkin, a therapist, explains the true nature of narcissism — the good and bad, how unhealthy levels of narcissism can wreak havoc on your life, how to spot red flags that you might be dealing with a narcissist, and how to not only cope, but thrive when dealing with the narcissists in your life.
The Simple Living Guide When life feels overwhelming, this guide-and-workbook-in-one will help you gain clarity with your values, well-being, career, relationships and money.
The Good Morning Guide If your mornings are typically rushed, chaotic and stressful, I made this guide to help you start your day calm, sane and strong.
Tribe Of Mentors: Short Life Advice From The Best In The World by Timothy Ferriss Nothing beats having a mentor in your life who can personally guide you from day one. But not everyone does, and if (like me), you don’t, it doesn’t mean that you can’t learn from the best. Take what you need from the likes of Ray Dalio, Ben Stiller, Bear Grylls and more in this varied but comprehensive compilation of bite-sized advice on life, work and purpose from some of the best minds in the world.
START FEELING CALMER, HAPPIER & HEALTHIER…NOW.
If you’re too busy surviving, chances are, you’re not thriving. You’re feeling tired, unhealthy, unmotivated and just plain worn-out from life. I created my FREE Daily Self-Care Ritual Workbook just for busy folks like you who want to take back their health, peace of mind and happiness. Get your very own copy of the workbook HERE. No spam. Just helpful, good-for-you stuff. Pinky swear.
Feature photo: inesbazdar/DepositPhotos