Happiness Isn’t Something You Find. It’s Something You Create
All of us want to be happy.
Who doesn’t?
And so we spend all our time chasing the obvious sources of happiness: Money, status and stuff…lots of it.
They seem to make us happy, and they absolutely do in the moment, but that’s likely because all of these things have one thing in common — they distract us from our real lives.
And therein lies the problem.
They’re not grounded in reality and not surprisingly, we often emerge from their haze of temporary intoxication feeling more alone and emptier than ever.
But if these things don’t make us happy, then what will?
According to the experts, it all starts with you.
HOW TO CULTIVATE HAPPINESS
What exactly is happiness, and are you happy?
And I don’t mean the fleeting, intense moments of elation that come with positive events like getting a promotion, your wedding day or winning the lottery.
True happiness is what Sonja Lyubomirsky, a positive psychology researcher and author of The How Of Happiness: A New Approach To Getting The Life You Want calls “the experience of joy, contentment, or positive well-being, combined with a sense that one’s life is good, meaningful, and worthwhile”.
But what exactly are the ingredients of a happy life?
It all depends on a host of factors that you may or may not have control over, say the folks at Our World In Data, who publish the regularly updated Happiness and Life Satisfaction Report.
There are certain aspects of life that you have little to no control over, like which country you were born in or the economic, social and cultural conditions you’re a part of, but there are plenty of other happiness levers that you do have some level of control over.
This means one thing: It’s up to you to crank them up.
1. Seek out tiny, daily moments of joy
If you want to be happy, it might be worthwhile taking a page or two out of the Scandinavians’ books.
After all, the Nordic countries have consistently been in the top 10 of the world’s happiest countries year after year.
While the Swedes live for lagom (lah- gom) — a simplicity-driven approach to life that when translated into English, literally means “not too much and not too little”, the Norwegians love the friluftsliv (free-loofts-liv) or “open-air living” life, which is centered around being outdoors and an appreciation of mother nature.
Similar in concept to hygge (hue-gah or cozy contentment) from Denmark and what the Dutch call gezellig (heh-sell-ick or togetherness), these forms of self-care can be replicated anywhere to invite more happiness into your day.
Putting them into practice is the perfect opportunity to socialize, de-stress and take a time-out from your digital devices, and can be as simple as snuggling under a blanket on a rainy day, having close friends over for dinner or just going for a stroll in the park.
2. Be part of a supportive community
If you’re not happy, chances are you’re anxious and depressed.
And if you’re anxious and depressed, you likely have needs that are not being met, says Johann Hari, author of the book Lost Connections: Uncovering The Real Causes Of Depression — And The Unexpected Solutions.
This is why rather than treating depression with just drugs to fix chemical imbalances, we also need to address the imbalances in the way we live.
We are the loneliest society in human history, he says in Lost Connections.
While our ancestors excelled at banding together into groups and cooperating to not just stay alive but thrive, modern humans have been breaking away from this tribal way of living, making us feel disconnected and lonelier than ever.
The solution to lifting this collective cloud of depression?
Something Hari calls social prescribing, which encourages us to reconnect with our ancestors’ tribal way of living as well as with each other for a common cause that’s bigger than ourselves.
This could mean cultivating something as simple as tending to a community farm as a group, which can help stave off depression.
3. Look for ways to improve your financial well-being
They say that money can’t buy you happiness, but what if this weren’t completely true?
When life satisfaction reports from around the world at any given point in time were compared, it became apparent to researchers that among countries, people from richer countries tend to be happier, and within all countries, richer people also tend to be happier — not surprising given that having income security can help eliminate money-related stress.
While you don’t have any control over things like the stock market, your country’s economy or inflation, you do have control over your personal finances.
And yes, your finances matter, but leveling up your financial health shouldn’t be confused with trying to find happiness in money, status and showing off, warns Hari, who also studied the work of Tim Kasser, author of The High Price of Materialism and a professor of psychology at Knox College in Galesburg, Illinois.
Hari says that as a society, we’ve been trained to look for happiness in all the wrong places, particularly materialism, and that ironically, the more you try to believe that you can buy and display your way out of sadness and into a good life, the more likely you are to become anxious.
4. Nurture a flexible, adaptive mindset
Being able to meet setbacks and unexpected challenges with an open mind is key to having a living a happy life.
This means having the ability to review your current approach to a situation, assess if it’s working, acknowledge any emotional pain that may be there, and then adapting to a better path instead of forging ahead with the same plan over and over again, says psychologist and the author of Emotional First Aid: Practical Strategies for Treating Failure, Rejection, Guilt and Other Everyday Psychological Injuries, Guy Winch.
A part of this adaptation could be constantly developing the ability to reinvent yourself to grow and expand.
This, in turn, allows you to actively put yourself in a position to have positive (and happy) experiences rather than wait for them to come to you.
5. Get out of the comparison game
Because of their extensive welfare benefits, Nordic countries tend to be happier, regardless of their inhabitants’ income.
Even if you don’t live in one of those countries, it doesn’t mean that you can’t care less about what the Joneses are wearing, driving or how much cash they’re splashing around at the mall.
Ultimately, taking yourself out of the comparison game altogether will help you feel more content and less vulnerable to status anxiety, which tends to be rampant in most developed societies.
In this instance, not racing at all makes you the winner…and a whole lot happier.
What have you been doing to bring more happiness into your life lately?
HELPFUL RESOURCES
Man’s Search For Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl When I’m struggling with something that’s making me feel hopeless and stuck , this book is my refuge. It serves as a constant reminder that I cannot control what happens to and around me, but how things turn out ultimately depends on how I respond to whatever happens and the meaning I attach to it.
Simplify Your Life: 100 Ways To Slow Down And Enjoy The Things That Really Matter by Elaine St. James I got my hands on this treasure over 15 years ago, way before simple living and minimalism became popular, and it was the first resource that introduced me to the practical, everyday steps I needed to ‘un-complicate’ my life.
Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How To Say No To Take Control Of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend Not having boundaries can end up wreaking havoc in your relationships and leave you feeling resentful, used, and disrespected. In this book, Cloud and Townsend show you how to get over the guilt of setting limits (this is particularly helpful if you’re a recovering people-pleaser like me) and equip you with the skills you need to build healthy relationships that will fulfill, not drain you dry.
Difficult Conversations: How To Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen and Roger Fisher Lousy, conflict-ridden conversations strain relationships, and don’t make difficult relationships any better. Here, the authors take you into the process of managing and expressing your feelings constructively rather than constantly muddling through who’s right, who meant what and who’s to blame.
Rethinking Narcissism: The Secret To Recognizing And Coping With Narcissists by Dr. Craig Malkin I never realized narcissists existed until I became tangled up with one for several years. It was only after I discovered what a narcissist was that I understood the damage that had been done to me. Dr. Malkin, a therapist, explains the true nature of narcissism — the good and bad, how unhealthy levels of narcissism can wreak havoc on your life, how to spot red flags that you might be dealing with a narcissist, and how to not only cope, but thrive when dealing with the narcissists in your life.
The Simple Living Guide When life feels overwhelming, this guide-and-workbook-in-one will help you gain clarity with your values, well-being, career, relationships and money.
The Good Morning Guide If your mornings are typically rushed, chaotic and stressful, I made this guide to help you start your day calm, sane and strong.
Tribe Of Mentors: Short Life Advice From The Best In The World by Timothy Ferriss Nothing beats having a mentor in your life who can personally guide you from day one. But not everyone does, and if (like me), you don’t, it doesn’t mean that you can’t learn from the best. Take what you need from the likes of Ray Dalio, Ben Stiller, Bear Grylls and more in this varied but comprehensive compilation of bite-sized advice on life, work and purpose from some of the best minds in the world.
START FEELING CALMER, HAPPIER & HEALTHIER…NOW.
If you’re too busy surviving, chances are, you’re not thriving. You’re feeling tired, unhealthy, unmotivated and just plain worn-out from life. I created my FREE Daily Self-Care Ritual Workbook just for busy folks like you who want to take back their health, peace of mind and happiness. Get your very own copy of the workbook HERE. No spam. Just helpful, good-for-you stuff. Pinky swear.
*Photo credit: azgek1978 / Depositphotos