Let Go Of The Past: 10 Ways To Move On So You Can (Finally) Be Happy

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Everyone has emotional baggage.

Past hurts and betrayals accumulate as we go through life, and after a certain point, they can start to weigh you down, and even block you from living the life you want.

Most of us allow our pain to live rent-free in our hearts because it’s easier to hold on to sadness, anger and grudges rather than work through them.

Or, we simply refuse to subscribe to the commonly-pushed belief that it’s healthier to ‘forgive and forget’.

The thing is, you don’t have to, and moving on doesn’t require you to forgive and forget — at least not in my book.

To me, letting go means that choosing to not be chained to events that no longer exist.

Obviously, any path that you take in life comes with a price, and letting go asks that you put in the work.

But the cost of not letting go? Your happiness.

So which is it going to be?

WHY YOU NEED TO LET GO

One of my most painful regrets is allowing myself to fall into the rabbit hole of obsessive rumination over mistakes that I’ve made, or the shitty things other people have said and done to me.

I developed this habit in my teens and on it went on for decades, until I decided that I’d wasted enough of my life energy mentally running myself over with a truck, backing it up and doing it all over again.

By hanging on to ideas, perspectives and experiences that served no other purpose than to make me feel bad about life, I was denying myself the gift of being present with everything and everyone I care about.

Constantly reliving the pain was keeping old wounds raw, and me, miserable.

Life is meant to be lived in the present, not in the past, and to do that, I had to let go of the past so it no longer consumed me.

HOW TO LET GO OF THE PAST

Releasing the heaviness of a painful past from your mind and body isn’t a “just get over it” operation, despite what some well-meaning (and very likely uninformed) friends and family might tell you.

If it were that easy, the world would be a very different place than what it is: Constantly mired in conflict, tension and war.

The reality is that all of us go through life wearing lenses that are tinted by our past experiences, good and bad.

And physiologically, our human brain is designed to hold on to the bad and ignore the good to keep us alive for as long as possible — a trait that’s great for surviving, but not for thriving.

This means that if you want to live a life that’s centered around positivity, happiness and the present, it’s not going to come easily — you’re going to have to work for it.

Here’s where you can start:

1. ACKNOWLEDGE HOW YOU FEEL

The first step to lightening your mental and emotional load is to notice (be aware of its presence), name (sadness, for example) and accept (not try to fight or deny it) how you feel about what’s happened without judgment.

Many of us avoid our feelings like the plague, especially the negative ones like anger, guilt, and humiliation because they’re so confronting and uncomfortable to deal with.

So we brush them off, distract or numb ourselves so we don’t have to feel the discomfort.

I’ve found that when I do this, the difficult feelings that bubble up never get released — they just hang around and eventually get shoved into the deep, dark depths of my psyche, almost like a virus that’s lying dormant, ready to get triggered into action when the opportunity comes along.

To let go, you have to first accept what is, and that includes everything you’re feeling.

2. MAKE SENSE OF YOUR PAST

It wasn’t until I decided to put my emotional baggage down, open them and unpack whatever was inside piece by piece that I started to feel lighter.

This meant doing deep dives into the different phases of my life, from my childhood, teen years and young adulthood, and trying to understand the role each played (in combination with the choices I’d made) in shaping who I was up until that very moment.

It isn’t an easy process, and can in itself bring up more difficult emotions, especially when you succeed in connecting the dots, so be gentle with yourself throughout.

But just like an archaeological dig, the more you understand about the pieces you have, the more complete a story you’ll be able to tell about what’s happened, why and how it’s affected your life.

Going through this process with a therapist can help tremendously, as it did for me.

In fact, if you’ve never done any kind of potentially traumatic and delicate, retrospective self-analysis, I consider doing it with the help of a licensed therapist essential.

3. FORGIVE YOURSELF

Sometimes, the biggest grudge we have is the one against ourselves.

There’s a disappointment and bitterness inside of us for allowing what’s happened to happen.

Or for feeling helpless when it did.

For not knowing any better to have chosen better.

For not responding to it in a better way.

For letting the past hold us back the way it has.

What you don’t realise is that beating yourself up over a painful past isn’t very different from repeatedly hammering a nail into an open wound — all it does is keep the agony and bleeding going,

You’re much better pulling the nail out, cleaning up the wound and protecting it from more harm to let it close, heal and become whole again.

4. FOCUS ON WHAT YOU CAN CHANGE

So much of our emotional baggage revolves around things that are out of our control, specifically what other people say and do, or don’t say and do.

As the writer and poet Cassie Phillips, and author Mel Robbins would say: Let them.

If someone’s choosing to be difficult or passive aggressive over being honest and respectful, let them.

If they’d rather choose inaction over doing the right thing, let them.

If want to play the victim instead of being accountable, let them.

The bottom line is that you can’t change other people, so it’s not like you have any other choice.

What you do have control over are your own thoughts, words and actions, so use them to create a life that truly align with your hopes, dreams and values.

5. SET A GOAL THAT EMPOWERS YOU

I’ve noticed that when I find myself latching on to the past with an iron grip, the one thing that can loosen it is to focus on pouring my energy into a meaningful goal.

After awhile, I came to realize why: I cannot stay hung up on the past and work on building the future I want at the same time.

My energy has to go into one or the other.

To let go of what’s no longer serving you, you have to deliberately make space for the new.

6. QUESTION YOUR NEGATIVE THOUGHTS

One of the easiest ways to let a negative thought control you is to not question it as soon as it pops up.

When I find myself on the verge of falling into that toxic rabbit hole of ruminating, I turn to the method of self-enquiry taught by Byron Katie called The Work.

As soon as a negative or distressing thought comes up, ask yourself these four questions:

1. Is it true? Your answer should be either a “yes” or “no”. If your answer is “yes”, move on to question two. If not, sit with your answer for a bit, and then move on to question three.
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true? Consider your answer to question one again. This time, dig deeper into it.
3. What happens when you believe that thought? Think back to the last time you believed it. What did you see happening in your past and future? What did you feel mentally, emotionally and physically as you saw those images? How did you treat the person that you’re believing the thought about? How did you treat yourself? Did believing these thoughts trigger any addictive or obsessive behaviours?
4. Who would you be without that thought? Reflect on, observe and step back into the situation again, this time without that particular thought. What would you see, and how would you feel about the other person without it?

As a serial ruminator in recovery, I can tell you that showing my negative thoughts who’s boss has been a struggle, but this practice helps pull me back from the cliff and keeps me from spiraling into another ruminating episode that sucks my time and energy.

7. PRACTICE MINDFULNESS

When you’re tempted to fall back into a habit that keeps you hung up on the past, use that moment as a cue to turn things around by replacing it with one that brings you peace, not chaos.

Bring yourself back to the present by slowing down and deepening your breaths — focus on the rise and fall of your belly until you feel yourself easing up mentally, emotionally and physically.

If you find yourself ruminating anyway and feeling bad because of it, resist the urge to beat yourself up.

Given how unruly our minds can be, getting the hang of this one will take plenty of time, especially if you’re not used to it.

Just like building any new habit, creating a daily practice around what you want will help make it stick.

8. BUILD A SUPPORTIVE TRIBE

They say that the best remedy for healing a wound is time.

I disagree.

I’ve seen people spend years or even decades stuck in the past by constantly reliving painful events that they just can’t let go of.

I’ve done it myself.

When you’re dealing with the hard stuff in life, being surrounded by a band of supportive people with whom you can confide in and feel seen, heard and loved is by far the most comforting and healing gift you could ever receive.

Being around the right people can give you the energy to seek out new ideas and experiences, and give you the confidence to create a new life for yourself.

If you don’t have parents, siblings or other close relatives that can play this role in your life (not everyone has family that can or will), you can always build your own chosen family.

This chosen family doesn’t necessarily have to be made up of a spouse and kids — it can also comprise friends and colleagues that you’re close to and can trust.

The tighter your tribe, the easier it is to loosen your grip on what’s hurting you, and the softer your landing will be.

9. BE KIND TO YOURSELF

Ever looked in the mirror in the morning, said something mean and deprecating to your reflection, and then wondered why you were feeling like crap all day?

Maybe, just maybe, you had an unpleasant run-in with the biggest bully in your life earlier that day: You.

You may not realise it but your negative self-talk can have a profound impact on the way you see and carry yourself.

The more grace you give yourself, the easier it’ll be for you to see your past for what it is — a series of events that happened to you, not who you are — instead of attaching it to your identity, and let it go.

10. LOOK FOR GLIMMERS

When you’re healing from a traumatic past, the energy around you matters.

Build a habit out of paying attention to the glimmers that come your way: That warm, uplifting message that a friend sent you, waking up to your purring cat, wrapping up your day with a comforting meal, how cozy and inviting your bedroom looks as golden hour sets in.

The older I get, the more I realise that life is made up of the constant ebb and flow of experiences — the good and bad — some big, but mostly small, everyday ones.

You can’t stop bad things from happening to you, but if you focus your attention on the bad, your life will generally feel well, bad.

Focus on the good, and your life will feel so much better, despite the bad stuff.

At its core, looking for the glimmers in your life is an everyday exercise in letting go of what no longer belongs in your life, so you can get more from the people, things and experiences that make it richer.

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HELPFUL RESOURCES

Simplify Your Life: 100 Ways To Slow Down And Enjoy The Things That Really Matter by Elaine St. James I got my hands on this treasure over 15 years ago, way before simple living and minimalism became popular, and it was the first resource that introduced me to the practical, everyday steps I needed to ‘un-complicate’ my life.

Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How To Say No To Take Control Of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend Not having boundaries can end up wreaking havoc in your relationships and leave you feeling resentful, used, and disrespected. In this book, Cloud and Townsend show you how to get over the guilt of setting limits (this is particularly helpful if you’re a recovering people-pleaser like me) and equip you with the skills you need to build healthy relationships that will fulfill, not drain you dry.

Difficult Conversations: How To Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen and Roger Fisher Lousy, conflict-ridden conversations strain relationships, and don’t make difficult relationships any better. Here, the authors take you into the process of managing and expressing your feelings constructively rather than constantly muddling through who’s right, who meant what and who’s to blame.

Rethinking Narcissism: The Secret To Recognizing And Coping With Narcissists by Dr. Craig Malkin I never realized narcissists existed until I became tangled up with one for several years. It was only after I discovered what a narcissist was that I understood the damage that had been done to me. Dr. Malkin, a therapist, explains the true nature of narcissism — the good and bad, how unhealthy levels of narcissism can wreak havoc on your life, how to spot red flags that you might be dealing with a narcissist, and how to not only cope, but thrive when dealing with the narcissists in your life.

The Simple Living Guide When life feels overwhelming, this guide-and-workbook-in-one will help you gain clarity with your values, well-being, career, relationships and money.

The Good Morning Guide If your mornings are typically rushed, chaotic and stressful, I made this guide to help you start your day calm, sane and strong.

Tribe Of Mentors: Short Life Advice From The Best In The World by Timothy Ferriss Nothing beats having a mentor in your life who can personally guide you from day one. But not everyone does, and if (like me), you don’t, it doesn’t mean that you can’t learn from the best. Take what you need from the likes of Ray Dalio, Ben Stiller, Bear Grylls and more in this varied but comprehensive compilation of bite-sized advice on life, work and purpose from some of the best minds in the world.

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START FEELING CALMER, HAPPIER & HEALTHIER…NOW.

If you’re too busy surviving, chances are, you’re not thriving. You’re feeling tired, unhealthy, unmotivated and just plain worn-out from life. I created my FREE Daily Self-Care Ritual Workbook just for busy folks like you who want to take back their health, peace of mind and happiness. Get your very own copy of the workbook HERE. No spam. Just helpful, good-for-you stuff. Pinky swear.

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