Here’s How To Create A Life You Don’t Need A Vacation From
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It’s easy to go with the flow.
It’s almost effortless to play by the rules that society has written, because it takes the burden of going against the grain off you.
So you become a grade chaser in school, head off to college for that golden ticket to the rest of your life, get the dream job, get married because it’s the right thing to do, have a couple of kids and call it a perfect life.
Until it no longer feels like the perfect life.
You’ve checked all the big boxes, but somewhere along the way, things started to go horribly wrong.
You and your spouse seem to be fighting all the time.
Your self-absorbed, narcissistic parent has resurfaced in your life and currently making it a living hell.
The friends whom you’ve been there for through thick and thin have stabbed you in the back.
You’re living paycheck to paycheck and drowning in debt despite pulling in a six-figure salary.
You’re thankful to have a successful career (at least by everyone else’s standards), but hate your boss, the office politics and 12-hour days that suck every ounce of happiness out of you, six days a week.
You barely sleep at night and feel the unhealthiest you’ve ever been.
Every day feels like a vicious cycle of stress, anxiety and toxic drama that you just can’t seem to break out of.
It’s gotten to a point where all you can think about is going on another vacation, or worse, escaping from your life so you can start a new one somewhere else.
But…you can’t. Not right now anyway.
So you’ll have to make some changes to your life right where you are.
When life is weighing me down and I feel like running away from it, I take some time out to remind myself that leaving everything behind won’t solve anything.
In fact, it’ll probably make things worse.
Here are the rules I follow to find my way back to balance when life starts to feel off-kilter:
TAKE OWNERSHIP OF YOUR LIFE
When things don’t go your way, it’s easier to blame the outcome on someone or something else.
And sometimes, it legitimately is someone or something else’s fault.
But once you rack up enough similar ‘unfortunate’ events, a more realistic conclusion you may have to come to is that the one thing all of these outcomes have in common, is you.
They often start with you not doing the hard things.
Things like: The difficult conversations you’re not willing to have, the healthier diet you’ve been putting off going on, the bills you’ve been pretending are not there, saying “yes” even though you know he’s bad for you, the sacrifices (that lead to your long-term benefit) you don’t want to make, and not putting an end to the self-sabotage tactics you’ve got on rinse-and-repeat.
The ugly (and painful) truth is that more often than not, you and you alone are responsible for how your life turns out.
This is something that took me decades to realize and accept (ouch), but once I did, I stopped wasting my time whining and crying, and started to spend more time doing the things that would make me smarter, healthier and getting closer to the kind of life I wanted to live.
FIND OUT WHAT’S CAUSING YOUR PAIN
As a human, you’re driven by two things: Pain and pleasure.
You do everything in your power to avoid the searing pain, and whatever you can to experience pleasure.
There’s nothing wrong with that, but things start to go sideways when you avoid pain at all costs by constantly running away from it. And the longer you run away from the unaddressed conflicts, resentments, anger and traumas in your life, the more painful they become.
Once you’ve come face to face with it often enough, you’ll come to realize that the only way to lessen (or get rid of) the pain in your life is to acknowledge that it’s there and do something about it.
The sooner you stop trying to outrun your pain, get to its roots and get work on fixing it, the sooner you’ll be able to get to a place you won’t want to escape from.
CALL OUT YOUR OWN BS
Everyone has bulls**t.
It shows up in all kinds of ways: Excuses, mindless gossiping, limiting beliefs, biased or entirely false perceptions about yourself, others and how the world works, or self-destructive habits that make you your own worst enemy.
The more you allow yourself to indulge in your bs, the worse your life gets, and the smaller it feels.
Being self-aware enough to notice when you’re doing it gives you breathing room to take a step back and consider your next steps with intention.
But more often than not, it’s a likely a blind spot that you’re going to miss or just aren’t able to see at all. Until things start going awry.
This is why in addition to building your self-awareness, you need to seek out people who aren’t afraid to call you out on your bs.
Ask your close friends, colleagues or family this: “Have you noticed something I do often enough that holds me back from being the best version of myself, or that hurts other people?”.
Find out what your bs is, then rework the story of your life into one that fills you with gratitude, integrity and pride.
PRIORITIZE AUTHENTIC RELATIONSHIPS
One of the worst things you can do in life is to surround yourself with superficial people who can’t or won’t be honest with you, or worse, don’t want what’s best for you.
Who you have around you most of the time absolutely matters, and can mean the difference between living a happy, meaningful and fulfilling life, and living one that leaves you looking desperately for that escape hatch.
Having been on the wrong circles myself, I can tell you that these decisions were nothing short of disastrous.
I constantly questioned my self-worth, found myself getting sucked into way too much unnecessary and toxic drama, and in the end, found myself going nowhere with my life.
I was just too busy getting hung up on the most ridiculous and petty trivialities to do anything meaningful or worthwhile.
Being around the right people — the ones who are honest, direct, self-aware, kind and accountable — fills me with the positive energy I need to dream big and drive myself forward.
Watching them handle life with grace, and step into their own power inspires me to do the same.
Choose to fill your orbit with good, authentic people who aren’t afraid to get real with you, and you’ll live a life you won’t wish wasn’t yours.
DO MORE OF WHAT’S GOOD FOR YOU
Life is hard.
You work, you compete, you struggle, you fight to survive, you suffer, and you witness other living creatures suffer.
All this pain and chaos can wear you down to the bone, leaving you tired, weary and cynical about life.
To do and see the good in the world, you need to do more of what’s good for you.
Sleep in, cook a comforting meal for yourself and the people you care about and do some yoga.
Read that deliciously trashy novel you’ve been thinking about.
Start painting. Go dancing. Take a pottery class. Or just potter around and do nothing.
Set some boundaries (isn’t it about time?) so your empathy and kindness aren’t sucked dry.
If it makes you feel carefree, creative and more like yourself again, do more of it, more often.
You’re here to thrive, not just survive.
ALWAYS HAVE A PLAN B (AND C)
If you’ve ever played a video game (or any kind of game, for that matter), you’d know that to win, you’ll need a winning strategy going in.
You start at zero: Helpless, constantly learning and growing until you’re bigger, stronger and capable enough to venture out into the big, bad world by yourself.
From then on, life is about overcoming a series of increasingly challenging obstacles so you can successfully move from one phase of life to the next.
As you progress, you gain more knowledge, resources and street smarts, all of which increase your chances of not just surviving, but evolving.
But life often doesn’t turn out the way we plan for it to, and if the one path you’ve had your heart set on is the only one you’ve got, then you’re upping your chances of being backed into a corner you may not want to be in, with no easy way out.
As someone who’s been backed into corners I never wanted to be in myself, I’ve come to realize how important it is to look at any major decision I’m planning to make with a wide-angle lens.
And then before I say “yes” or “no”, I ask myself: “What if this doesn’t play out the way I ‘d like it to? What then? What knowledge and resources that I’ve gained along the way can I use to switch paths if I need to?.
I find that the more flexible and prepared I am for change, the more options I have, the more in control I feel, and the less I feel the need to escape from the life I have.
STOP HATING YOURSELF
I’m probably stating the obvious, but the less you like being in your own skin and the less you like your life, the more likely it is that you’ll want to run away from it.
Learning to love yourself, warts and all, will put you in a better position to clearly see your strengths, weaknesses and how to work with both to make your life better.
And by self-love, I don’t mean looking at the person staring back at you in the mirror through arrogance- and delusion-tinted glasses that keep you from being honest with yourself and accountable for your actions.
I mean respecting and being kind to who you truly are — the gloriously beautiful, the bad and the ugly — and acknowledging how they are shaping the trajectory of your life without self-loathing or judgment.
After all, the only thing self-loathing ever does is to stir up unnecessary self-inflicted suffering — the kind that makes you wish you were someone else, somewhere else.
See yourself clearly, acknowledge who you are, do the work to become better and keep moving.
HELPFUL RESOURCES
Simplify Your Life: 100 Ways To Slow Down And Enjoy The Things That Really Matter by Elaine St. James I got my hands on this treasure over 15 years ago, way before simple living and minimalism became popular, and it was the first resource that introduced me to the practical, everyday steps I needed to ‘un-complicate’ my life.
Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How To Say No To Take Control Of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend Not having boundaries can end up wreaking havoc in your relationships and leave you feeling resentful, used, and disrespected. In this book, Cloud and Townsend show you how to get over the guilt of setting limits (this is particularly helpful if you’re a recovering people-pleaser like me) and equip you with the skills you need to build healthy relationships that will fulfill, not drain you dry.
Difficult Conversations: How To Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen and Roger Fisher Lousy, conflict-ridden conversations strain relationships, and don’t make difficult relationships any better. Here, the authors take you into the process of managing and expressing your feelings constructively rather than constantly muddling through who’s right, who meant what and who’s to blame.
Rethinking Narcissism: The Secret To Recognizing And Coping With Narcissists by Dr. Craig Malkin I never realized narcissists existed until I became tangled up with one for several years. It was only after I discovered what a narcissist was that I understood the damage that had been done to me. Dr. Malkin, a therapist, explains the true nature of narcissism — the good and bad, how unhealthy levels of narcissism can wreak havoc on your life, how to spot red flags that you might be dealing with a narcissist, and how to not only cope, but thrive when dealing with the narcissists in your life.
The Simple Living Guide When life feels overwhelming, this guide-and-workbook-in-one will help you gain clarity with your values, well-being, career, relationships and money.
The Good Morning Guide If your mornings are typically rushed, chaotic and stressful, I made this guide to help you start your day calm, sane and strong.
Tribe Of Mentors: Short Life Advice From The Best In The World by Timothy Ferriss Nothing beats having a mentor in your life who can personally guide you from day one. But not everyone does, and if (like me), you don’t, it doesn’t mean that you can’t learn from the best. Take what you need from the likes of Ray Dalio, Ben Stiller, Bear Grylls and more in this varied but comprehensive compilation of bite-sized advice on life, work and purpose from some of the best minds in the world.
START FEELING CALMER, HAPPIER & HEALTHIER…NOW.
If you’re too busy surviving, chances are, you’re not thriving. You’re feeling tired, unhealthy, unmotivated and just plain worn-out from life. I created my FREE Daily Self-Care Ritual Workbook just for busy folks like you who want to take back their health, peace of mind and happiness. Get your very own copy of the workbook HERE. No spam. Just helpful, good-for-you stuff. Pinky swear.
*Photo credit: AndreyPopov/Depositphotos