10 Rules For Finding Calm In A Chaotic World
I used to feel like a puppet.
Wherever the strings of life pulled me, I went.
One minute I’d be up, the next minute I’d be down. My emotions would be all over the place at any given moment.
And my master? The rest of the world.
It wasn’t until I started getting my life together, working on my mental health and facing the harsh realities of life head-on that I was able to find my anchor and experience moments that were free of the internal chaos that I’d been struggling with all my life.
It was then that it hit me: Living a calm, peaceful life is an inside job.
Not a holiday, not running away from my problems, and most certainly not denying that they exist.
This is everything I’ve learned about living a calm life since then.
RULE #1: PRIORITIZE YOUR HEALING
All of us have wounds, traumas and emotional ‘kinks’ as a result of our past.
Maybe you had a difficult childhood.
Or maybe you had to walk away from an abusive relationship.
Many of us still feel wounded from accumulated layers of painful experiences that we had to survive through.
Even if you think you’re OK, your past is still likely showing up in your present — in the way you blow up over seemingly inconsequential events, in how you find yourself walking on eggshells in certain environments, or in the way you do everything in your power to avoid having difficult conversations.
The only way to stop allowing these triggers, fears and dysfunctions to control you, is to work on healing from them.
For me, it has meant going to therapy and cutting out the toxic people in my life.
For you, it could simply look like removing yourself from an unhealthy environment, like a toxic workplace or abusive home.
The healing process looks different for everyone, but what matters is that you’re taking the steps to get to a place where you’re thriving, not just surviving.
RULE #2: PUT DOWN WHAT’S NOT YOURS TO CARRY
Whether you like it or not, some people will come into your life and make it worse, not better.
They do this by stirring up chaos, playing the victim, gossiping, confusing you with endless mind games, or simply refusing to admit that they need help.
Others will just never be able to meet you where you are, leading to constant disappointment and heartbreak.
Whatever the situation is, know this: It’s not your job to solve their problems for them or protect them from the consequences of their actions.
Loving someone or letting go also means allowing the other person to walk their own path even when things get rocky, not shielding them from it by carrying what’s not yours to carry.
RULE #3: STOP WAITING FOR THEM TO BE SORRY
If you’ve been waiting for an apology and don’t see it coming your way any time soon, it’s time to be honest with yourself: It probably never will.
Some people just don’t have the capacity or willingness to meet you where you need to be met.
Sometimes it’s OK, and at other times, it’s infuriating, especially when they’re the ones who created the mess.
At some point, you just have to stop waiting and hoping, cut your losses, and move on with your life — without them.
The alternative is to keep them in your life and feel the slow, agonizing burn of anger eat you up from the inside every day, for the rest of your life.
RULE #4: ACCEPT PEOPLE FOR WHO THEY ARE
So you have a friend in your circle who cannot be trusted with sensitive information because they love to gossip about everyone they know to anyone who’ll listen.
Or maybe, you have someone in your family who’s self-centred and abusive, making it impossible for you to have any kind of deep, meaningful relationship with them.
Often, their presence is so deeply intertwined with parts of your life that it’s impossible to cut them out of your orbit completely.
Fighting reality will only steal your peace by igniting constant anger and resentment.
The only state of mind that can dissipate this negativity is acceptance — acceptance that this is who they are and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it.
What you can do, is to decide how you’re going to move forward with the information that you already have.
RULE #5: …THEN PUT THEM IN THEIR PLACE
Acceptance doesn’t mean being a foormat, or leaving yourself open to constant toxicity and mistreatment.
If someone has repeatedly gossiped about you, they no longer get access to information about you that should be honored and protected.
If someone has repeatedly lied to you, they’re no longer granted the privilege of your trust.
If someone consistently asks for your help, then creates an unhealthy situation out of it and plays the victim to avoid accountability, they no longer have access to your empathy and generosity.
Accept them for who they are, and then put them in their place.
This helps keep unnecessary chaos at arm’s length, so you can reclaim your peace.
RULE #6: RECOGNISE YOUR PLACE IN OTHER PEOPLE’S LIVES
Not everyone you know should have a seat at your table.
Similarly, you’re not going to have a seat at everyone’s table either, and it’s important that you know that.
Not everyone is your friend, and not every friend will be there for you when you need them (and when this realisation about someone sets in, it’s probably time to review your friendship).
Someone can have your blood running through their veins, but still do things to you that no one called ‘family’ should.
Being aware of where you stand with someone and adjusting not just your expectations, but also where they belong in your life, will save you plenty of heartache in the long run.
As Taylor Swift sings: “Putting someone first only works when you’re in their top five”, and she couldn’t be more spot on.
RULE #7: KNOW THAT NOT EVERYTHING IS WORTH YOUR ENERGY
It’s the drama that you don’t start, but keep getting dragged into.
It’s someone behaving as if they have a problem with you, but won’t talk to you about it.
It’s someone refusing to admit that they have a problem despite all the overwhelming evidence showing that they do.
It’s the news, weather, traffic and what Susan from three doors down thinks of you.
Not everything is worth losing sleep over, and being able to differentiate between what does and what doesn’t, will save you precious time, energy and your sanity in the long run.
RULE #8: MASTER YOUR MONEY
As a former shopaholic, I can tell you that it wasn’t until I:
- Worked on getting my impulse shopping under control
- Started tracking all my earnings and expenses
- Started investing for my future self, and…
- Addressed and fixed my scarcity mindset around money…
… that I was able to stop feeling anxious about the state of my finances.
Most of us don’t realise how deeply intyertwined our sense of self and confidence are with our bank accounts until we get to work on fixing where we’re falling short.
As you progress in mastering your money, you’ll find that the more in control you are of it, the calmer your life will feel.
RULE #9: ACCEPT THAT SOME DAYS (AND PEOPLE) WILL BE SHITTY
As you learn to let go of the things you can’t control, you’ll also come to accept that not every day will be a good one.
Often, your bad days will be tied to crossing paths with someone who pushes your buttons. Or things simply won’t go your way.
On days like this, the mental space you inevitably end up in will greatly depend on how you approach the unfolding events.
Rigidity keeps you stuck, angry and conflicted.
Acceptance softens the blow by keeping your mind flexible and getting you back on your feet more quickly.
RULE #10: CREATE YOUR OWN MEANING AND HAPPINESS
A harsh truth about life is that no one’s coming to save you.
We’ve all been dealt a very specific deck of cards, and it’s up to us to make the most of every single one — good and bad — so we can save ourselves.
Choose people who push you to be and do better.
Reject the ones who are constantly trying to beat you down with their unhappiness and negativity.
Filter your thoughts so you develop a laser-like focus on all the good you want to build and live in.
Be your own driver to everything you’ve ever wanted in life.
It’s not an easy thing to do, but it’s a choice you get to make the second you open your eyes every morning, and I hope you fight tooth and nail to make the right one, because your peace and happiness depend on it.
START FEELING CALMER, HAPPIER & HEALTHIER…NOW.
If you’re too busy surviving, chances are, you’re not thriving. You’re feeling tired, unhealthy, unmotivated and just plain worn-out from life. I created my FREE Daily Self-Care Ritual Workbook just for busy folks like you who want to take back their health, peace of mind and happiness. Get your very own copy of the workbook HERE. No spam. Just helpful, good-for-you stuff. Pinky swear.
HELPFUL RESOURCES
Simplify Your Life: 100 Ways To Slow Down And Enjoy The Things That Really Matter by Elaine St. James I got my hands on this treasure over 15 years ago, way before simple living and minimalism became popular, and it was the first resource that introduced me to the practical, everyday steps I needed to ‘un-complicate’ my life.
Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How To Say No To Take Control Of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend Not having boundaries can end up wreaking havoc in your relationships and leave you feeling resentful, used, and disrespected. In this book, Cloud and Townsend show you how to get over the guilt of setting limits (this is particularly helpful if you’re a recovering people-pleaser like me) and equip you with the skills you need to build healthy relationships that will fulfill, not drain you dry.
Difficult Conversations: How To Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen and Roger Fisher Lousy, conflict-ridden conversations strain relationships, and don’t make difficult relationships any better. Here, the authors take you into the process of managing and expressing your feelings constructively rather than constantly muddling through who’s right, who meant what and who’s to blame.
Rethinking Narcissism: The Secret To Recognizing And Coping With Narcissists by Dr. Craig Malkin I never realized narcissists existed until I became tangled up with one for several years. It was only after I discovered what a narcissist was that I understood the damage that had been done to me. Dr. Malkin, a therapist, explains the true nature of narcissism — the good and bad, how unhealthy levels of narcissism can wreak havoc on your life, how to spot red flags that you might be dealing with a narcissist, and how to not only cope, but thrive when dealing with the narcissists in your life.
The Simple Living Guide When life feels overwhelming, this guide-and-workbook-in-one will help you gain clarity with your values, well-being, career, relationships and money.
The Good Morning Guide If your mornings are typically rushed, chaotic and stressful, I made this guide to help you start your day calm, sane and strong.
Tribe Of Mentors: Short Life Advice From The Best In The World by Timothy Ferriss Nothing beats having a mentor in your life who can personally guide you from day one. But not everyone does, and if (like me), you don’t, it doesn’t mean that you can’t learn from the best. Take what you need from the likes of Ray Dalio, Ben Stiller, Bear Grylls and more in this varied but comprehensive compilation of bite-sized advice on life, work and purpose from some of the best minds in the world.
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