You Have Permission To Quit
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I’ve been a quitter lately, and I’m proud of it.
I quit the toxic job.
I quit overworking myself into the ground.
I quit sitting at tables where abuse and disrespect were being served.
I quit filling the cups of those who never even thought to fill mine.
I quit sacrificing my comfort for those who took a mile when I gave them an inch.
I quit being the bigger person for people who play the victim in problems they create.
And you know what? I’ve never felt so free.
If you’ve been thinking about quitting something that’s been dragging you down, I hope you keep reading, because I wrote this for you.
THE FUTILITY OF PUSHING THROUGH AT ALL COSTS
If you’ve spent any amount of time on social media, you probably would have come across messages like “never give up” or “sleep is for the weak”.
Well, guess what? I’ve been there and done that, and experience has taught me that often, giving up or resting (or both) is the smarter thing to do.
When you’re burned out and running on empty, trying to push through will not only kill your motivation — it can also make you feel trapped in jobs, obligations and relationships that are chipping away at your happiness and well-being.
NOT QUITTING IS COSTING YOU MORE THAN YOU THINK
There’s another term for pushing through with something that’s not working or worse, hurting you: Self-abandonment.
This happens when your outer world — your actions, external environment, the people around you — don’t align with the values, principles, beliefs, hopes and dreams that make up your inner world.
For me, this misalignment manifested as constant anxiety, insomnia, anger, sadness, hair loss, gut issues and painful physical imbalances.
It was only after I quit what wasn’t serving me that my inner and outer worlds started to fall into place, together.
Don’t get me wrong: Letting go has been a painful, lonely and costly process, but the relief I’ve felt from finally choosing myself has been worth every ounce of the struggle I’ve endured.
STOP FEELING GUILTY ABOUT QUITTING
Got guilt eating away at your insides about leaving a situation that’s not working for you?
Here’s something to think about: Who’s going to suffer the most if you don’t quit?
I’m guessing it’s not going to be your toxic boss, freeloading relative, judgmental neighbours or manipulative colleague.
When I start to feel guilty about putting my well-being first, I remind myself that anyone who would willingly make me feel uncomfortable, hurt, or inconvenienced for their own gain, wouldn’t.
SIGNS IT’S TIME TO QUIT
Everything has an expiry date.
Everything.
Your groceries, jobs, and relationships. And you already know this, but here’s a reminder anyway: Your body will expire one day.
Some things expire simply because it’s just how nature works.
Other things expire because the supporting elements that make their existence possible start breaking down, exposing their weakest links (like one-sided friendships and dead-end or toxic relationships).
Try holding on to a bad apple and eventually, what you’re left with is rotting flesh that disintegrates in your hand.
The only way to stop the stench — and mess — from getting worse is to loosen your grip and release the apple.
QUITTING ISN’T ABOUT LOSING. IT’S ABOUT GROWING
“You look calmer and lighter these days,” a friend told me recently.
I looked at her and smiled. She was right — I do feel calmer and lighter, and it’s the result of my reframing of what quitting actually means.
We’ve been taught to see giving up as a bad thing, the lazy thing. It’s the weak and shameful thing to do.
What they don’t tell you is that winners keep winning because they know when to quit instead of clinging to situations that are holding them back or worse, dragging them down.
Just ask Bill Gates, who dropped out of Harvard to start a business with his childhood friend Paul Allen. This business would eventually become what we now know as Microsoft.
Or Jeff Bezos, who quit a successful career as senior vice president at the hedge fund D.E. Shaw to start an online bookstore from scratch with his then wife, MacKenzie Scott.
The company they took a chance on is now the largest online retailer in the world.
So no, learning to let go doesn’t have to be preceded by defeat and failure (although sometimes, it is).
More often than not, it’s about recognising when you have the desire and capacity to grow, and then choosing a path that will lead to it.
HOW TO QUIT
If you’ve already made up your mind to quit, you’ll need to start working on this one thing: An exit plan.
The job. The relationship. The business partnership. The investment. The obligations.
They all need a strategy that will help you bow out with as much grace, clarity and kindness as possible.
Here’s what you’ll need to consider:
- Your financial health: If you’re leaving a job or relationship, how much money will you have to support yourself (and those depending on you, like children, elderly parents and pets) and for how long will it last? What sources of income will you have once your cash cushion runs out?
- Your logistics: Where will you live? Who will you live with? How will you get around? How will the dynamics among everyone involved change, and work?
- Your mental and emotional health: Do you have the mental strength to go through a major change right now? Do you have close friends or family who can offer support and encouragement as you make this transition? What will you need to rebuild a healthier, happier and fuller life?
- Setting boundaries: If you’re detaching from a toxic situation, what steps can you take to protect your mental, emotional or even physical health? If the situation is safe and amicable, what can you do to lessen the pain for both of you and make the transition easier?
- How to communicate your decision: In most cases, communicating your next steps is the right thing to do, so you’ll need to decide how and when you’re going to do it. In other instances, having a conversation may not be the most productive or even the safest thing to do, particularly if you’re dealing with someone who’s emotionally immature, abusive or narcissistic. You’ll need to consider enlisting the help of a lawyer if your decision may result in legal implications that you’ll need to iron out.
It’s perfectly normal to feel unclear and anxious about how you’re going to extract yourself from a tricky situation once you’ve made up your mind to do it.
Instead of giving in to your fear and allowing it to hog the steering wheel, focus on crystalizing your road to freedom and nipping these sources of anxiety in the bud by being strategic about it.
SO YOU’VE QUIT. NOW WHAT?
When quitting’s the right thing for me to do, there’s usually a wave of relief and lightness that follows after.
It’s the relief from not having to tolerate the toxicity any longer.
Not having to perform just to keep everyone happy at my expense.
Not saying “yes” and then having to waste my time recuperating mentally and emotionally from taking another knife to my back.
Not having to wonder how I’m going to get through another day, first thing after I wake up in the morning.
No longer sacrificing my peace and comfort for someone else’s convenience.
And then, a spark of excitement comes through, because now I’ve made space for new possibilities, people and ideas, followed by calm.
Because I know that by saying “no more”, I’m also choosing myself.
START FEELING CALMER, HAPPIER & HEALTHIER…NOW.
If you’re too busy surviving, chances are, you’re not thriving. You’re feeling tired, unhealthy, unmotivated and just plain worn-out from life. I created my FREE Daily Self-Care Ritual Workbook just for busy folks like you who want to take back their health, peace of mind and happiness. Get your very own copy of the workbook HERE. No spam. Just helpful, good-for-you stuff. Pinky swear.
HELPFUL RESOURCES
Simplify Your Life: 100 Ways To Slow Down And Enjoy The Things That Really Matter by Elaine St. James I got my hands on this treasure over 15 years ago, way before simple living and minimalism became popular, and it was the first resource that introduced me to the practical, everyday steps I needed to ‘un-complicate’ my life.
Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How To Say No To Take Control Of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend Not having boundaries can end up wreaking havoc in your relationships and leave you feeling resentful, used, and disrespected. In this book, Cloud and Townsend show you how to get over the guilt of setting limits (this is particularly helpful if you’re a recovering people-pleaser like me) and equip you with the skills you need to build healthy relationships that will fulfill, not drain you dry.
Difficult Conversations: How To Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen and Roger Fisher Lousy, conflict-ridden conversations strain relationships, and don’t make difficult relationships any better. Here, the authors take you into the process of managing and expressing your feelings constructively rather than constantly muddling through who’s right, who meant what and who’s to blame.
Rethinking Narcissism: The Secret To Recognizing And Coping With Narcissists by Dr. Craig Malkin I never realized narcissists existed until I became tangled up with one for several years. It was only after I discovered what a narcissist was that I understood the damage that had been done to me. Dr. Malkin, a therapist, explains the true nature of narcissism — the good and bad, how unhealthy levels of narcissism can wreak havoc on your life, how to spot red flags that you might be dealing with a narcissist, and how to not only cope, but thrive when dealing with the narcissists in your life.
The Simple Living Guide When life feels overwhelming, this guide-and-workbook-in-one will help you gain clarity with your values, well-being, career, relationships and money.
The Good Morning Guide If your mornings are typically rushed, chaotic and stressful, I made this guide to help you start your day calm, sane and strong.
Tribe Of Mentors: Short Life Advice From The Best In The World by Timothy Ferriss Nothing beats having a mentor in your life who can personally guide you from day one. But not everyone does, and if (like me), you don’t, it doesn’t mean that you can’t learn from the best. Take what you need from the likes of Ray Dalio, Ben Stiller, Bear Grylls and more in this varied but comprehensive compilation of bite-sized advice on life, work and purpose from some of the best minds in the world.
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