Life Is Too Short To Live With Regrets
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No one wants to get to the end of their life filled with regret.
Yet, most of us walk through life procrastinating, avoiding and pretending as if our time on this earth will never run out.
And so we throw ourselves into living lives that others have chosen for us, spending our precious time on ‘shoulds’ instead of our ‘wants’, and shrinking ourselves to avoid conflict.
We get so caught up in our everyday grind that we forget how quickly the clock is ticking.
Having spent a sizable chunk of my youth in what I call a ‘Big Black Hole of Work’, one of my biggest fears is to ‘wake up’ to reality, only to realise that it’s too late to live the life I truly want.
And so I’ve been making different choices.
Some have been easy, others, excruciating. But I’ve come to accept that if I want to live a life that’s mine, I’ll need to be pushing that boulder up the hill 80% of the time.
Going with the flow downstream just isn’t going to be enough.
REGRETS ARE KEEPING YOU STUCK
Here’s what I realised about regret: It surfaces when I don’t listen to my gut.
It comes up when I say “yes” when I mean “no”.
It eats me up from the inside when I constantly suppress my needs to make someone else more comfortable.
It brings me down when I experience abusive or disrespectful behaviour, and don’t do anything about it.
It robs me of my inner peace when I consistently let fear take control of the steering wheel.
I’m filled with regret the most when I let that boulder roll down the hill instead of doing what’s right for me.
But that’s just me, at my current stage of life.
When people on their deathbed were asked what they regretted the most, these were the answers Bonnie Ware, an Australian palliative nurse and author of The Top Five Regrets Of The Dying, heard again, and again:
- “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”
- “I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.”
- “I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.”
- “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.”
- “I wish that I had let myself be happier.”
You and I may not be on our deathbeds, but given that we’re all human and many of us share somewhat similar life trajectories, these end-of-life confessions provide major clues on how we should be striving to live our lives: With a healthy dose of authenticity.
LIVING WITHOUT REGRETS
Is it possible to live a life with zero regrets?
Given the messy and chaotic nature of life, I’m leaning towards a ‘no’.
But it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try, which in itself dramatically lowers your chances of having to live with regrets.
As Wayne Gretzky will tell you: “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”.
On the other hand, the more shots you take, the better you’ll get at them, the higher your chances of winning, and the less likely you’ll be to regret not trying.
If you’re looking for some practical ways to move forward without accumulating more regrets, here’s where to start:
Start On That Dream Project
Been putting this one off?
Me too. That’s why I’m here writing this.
It may not sound like the most practical, but it makes perfect sense, and here’s why: Your soul needs to be fed too, not just your physical body and bank account.
The longer you put off nourishing your soul, the more a part of you dies.
Or, it’ll just get louder until one day, you’ll find that it’s gotten so deafening that you can no longer ignore it.
Say What You Need To Say (Even When It’s Hard)
Nothing kills relationships faster than a lack of healthy communication.
In its place, we jump to conclusions and react in harmful ways instead of responding with the intention to understand, resolve and repair.
Or, we leave important things unsaid, allowing meaningful opportunities and connections to slip by, and negativity to fester.
If what you need to say will make your life and relationships better, say it.
Be Honest With Yourself
When something’s not working, you’ll know.
It’s that gnawing, unsettled feeling you get in your gut when the energy feels off.
Or maybe your heart feels heavy and empty, and is telling you that this person or situation isn’t for you.
The longer you ignore these signs, the deeper the regret you’ll feel.
When this happens, the only way to find your way back to authenticity is to let go of what’s not working so you can make space for what will.
Nurture Healthy Relationships
The older I get, the more I realise that the relationships in my life are everything.
They permeate every area of my life, from my mental and physical health right down to my everyday habits.
And because I’ve experienced toxic relationships that brought nothing but pain and chaos into my life, I’ve become somewhat ruthless about whom I allow into my life.
The people in your circle should lift and energize you, not drag you down.
Take Care Of Your Body
Your body’s like a bank.
Every deposit you make now will pay dividends in the future.
The workouts you’ve started doing now will keep you strong, flexible and mobile in your 60s and beyond, when most people are slowing down or becoming more sedentary because they can’t move as well as they used to.
The healthy, balanced meals you’re feeding your body now will help keep you looking and feeling your best later on.
The sunscreen you slather on now will protect your skin from sun damage and help lower your risk of developing skin cancer.
Make as many deposits as you can into your body’s health bank now, so it doesn’t go bankrupt when you need your savings the most.
Be Mindful And Present
The best way to make decisions that you won’t regret later is with clarity.
This means not making any moves (especially the big ones) when your judgement’s impaired in some way, for example, when you’re drunk, angry, upset or overly optimistic.
Instead, do your best to keep regret at arm’s length by acting only when you’re fully aware of what’s happening in and around you, and being completely present in the moment without judgment.
Say ‘Yes’ To More Experiences
If you’ve ever had a love affair with stuff like I once did, you’d probably have regretted having them at some point.
The time will come when you’ll have to come face to face with piles and piles of things that you no longer use (or never have), and realise: All this stuff used to be money.
It’ll also hit you that instead of making your life better, all this stuff ever did was suck your time, energy and money.
Once I got over the thrill and novelty of collecting things, I realised that it’s the memories I make with the people I care about that makes life good, not material things.
The meaningful conversations, the laughter, the bonds we created over shared values and connections — these are what truly made me happy.
LETTING GO OF PAST REGRETS
Once you’ve accumulated enough regrets that feel heavy enough to weigh you down, letting go can feel like the hardest thing in the world.
There is no ‘cure’ for it, but here’s what I found helps:
Acceptance
You can’t change the past, but can choose how you walk into the future.
What’s done is done, and so has everything that’s happened.
By owning your reality instead of fighting it, you’ll be freeing up the time, space and energy to focus on healing past hurts and creating a different outcome for yourself.
Self-Compassion
We all make mistakes.
But holding on the wrong turns you’ve taken and continuously punishing yourself for them is like holding yourself hostage with no release in sight.
Being kind to yourself means setting yourself free from the guilt, shame and regret that’s been keeping you stuck so you can move forward with your life, hopes and dreams.
Transformation
At my lowest point, I knew I had to make some big changes.
I had to climb out of the dark space I’d fallen into and rebuild my life from scratch.
I gave myself time to grieve, but realised that long-term wallowing wasn’t an option, and I wasn’t going to allow it to be.
I’d done enough of that, and it had gotten me nowhere.
So I chose to press the reset button, building a new life one brick at a time, using the insights I gained to drive me forward.
Through all this, I learned that pain is an inevitable part of life, but prolonged suffering is optional.
Above all, how you deal with setbacks after they’ve happened determines whether you live with regret or not.
HELPFUL RESOURCES
Simplify Your Life: 100 Ways To Slow Down And Enjoy The Things That Really Matter by Elaine St. James I got my hands on this treasure over 15 years ago, way before simple living and minimalism became popular, and it was the first resource that introduced me to the practical, everyday steps I needed to ‘un-complicate’ my life.
Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How To Say No To Take Control Of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend Not having boundaries can end up wreaking havoc in your relationships and leave you feeling resentful, used, and disrespected. In this book, Cloud and Townsend show you how to get over the guilt of setting limits (this is particularly helpful if you’re a recovering people-pleaser like me) and equip you with the skills you need to build healthy relationships that will fulfill, not drain you dry.
Difficult Conversations: How To Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen and Roger Fisher Lousy, conflict-ridden conversations strain relationships, and don’t make difficult relationships any better. Here, the authors take you into the process of managing and expressing your feelings constructively rather than constantly muddling through who’s right, who meant what and who’s to blame.
Rethinking Narcissism: The Secret To Recognizing And Coping With Narcissists by Dr. Craig Malkin I never realized narcissists existed until I became tangled up with one for several years. It was only after I discovered what a narcissist was that I understood the damage that had been done to me. Dr. Malkin, a therapist, explains the true nature of narcissism — the good and bad, how unhealthy levels of narcissism can wreak havoc on your life, how to spot red flags that you might be dealing with a narcissist, and how to not only cope, but thrive when dealing with the narcissists in your life.
The Simple Living Guide When life feels overwhelming, this guide-and-workbook-in-one will help you gain clarity with your values, well-being, career, relationships and money.
The Good Morning Guide If your mornings are typically rushed, chaotic and stressful, I made this guide to help you start your day calm, sane and strong.
Tribe Of Mentors: Short Life Advice From The Best In The World by Timothy Ferriss Nothing beats having a mentor in your life who can personally guide you from day one. But not everyone does, and if (like me), you don’t, it doesn’t mean that you can’t learn from the best. Take what you need from the likes of Ray Dalio, Ben Stiller, Bear Grylls and more in this varied but comprehensive compilation of bite-sized advice on life, work and purpose from some of the best minds in the world.
START FEELING CALMER, HAPPIER & HEALTHIER…NOW.
If you’re too busy surviving, chances are, you’re not thriving. You’re feeling tired, unhealthy, unmotivated and just plain worn-out from life. I created my FREE Daily Self-Care Ritual Workbook just for busy folks like you who want to take back their health, peace of mind and happiness. Get your very own copy of the workbook HERE. No spam. Just helpful, good-for-you stuff. Pinky swear.
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