What Toxic Relationships Quietly Take Away From You
There’s one thing I wish I’d learned much earlier in life, and it’s this: How to tell if someone is just plain bad for me.
Had I known better, earlier, I could’ve likely saved myself from much of the self-doubt, heartache and trauma that resulted from having to navigate my way through the string of toxic relationships I’d endured over the years.
But then again, that’s not how life works, isn’t it?
Even if I’d attended a masterclass on ‘Toxicity And How It Ruins Lives’ way before I’d encountered them, it still wouldn’t have fully prepared me for what was to come.
Theory doesn’t hold a candle to real life, and nothing teaches you to wise up faster than experience, which unfortunately, hurts.
I’ve previously written about toxicity here and here, but have yet to go into all the subtle ways that having to constantly deal with a toxic person chips away at your core.
What makes a relationship toxic?
No relationship is problem-free.
Every single one has disagreements, misunderstandings, and moments when people get on each other’s nerves.
Healthy relationships create a safe space for disagreement, boundaries, accountability and repair.
You should be able to say “no” without being punished for it.
You should be able to bring up a problem without being attacked.
You should be able to express how you feel without being ridiculed.
When something goes wrong, there should be some willingness to listen, take responsibility and do better.
In a toxic relationship, these things are often missing.
And because of this, you’re often left feeling anxious, drained and confused.
Over time, you can become so accustomed to managing the relationship that you stop noticing what it’s costing you.
So no, a toxic relationship isn’t simply one that has problems — it’s a relationship where problems are rarely resolved, keeping you stuck until you recognise the situation for what it is, and then deciding what your boundaries are going to be.
Toxic relationships aren’t always obvious.
Most people think toxic relationships are loud.
They think of constant fighting, raging, or other types of abusive behaviours.
From experience, I’d say that yes, sometimes they are. But for the most part, they’re not.
Instead, the toxicity shows up quietly, and often without you realising, in the form of:
- Subtle insults disguised as backhanded compliments: “Oh, you look so much nicer than usual”.
- Gaslighting: “I think you’re just too sensitive”.
- That little smile you spot on their face when they see you having a hard time.
- Sabotaging special occasions like your birthday or family dinners: Sulking, spending the entire time on their phone or even refusing to show up, with no warning.
- Having unspoken expectations and then giving you the silent treatment when you fail to meet them.
Unfortunately, you often don’t realise how toxic somebody is until your lives are already deeply intertwined: You’ve been friends with this person for years. You’ve been married for 5 years and have a child on the way. You’re unexpectedly forced to live with an in-law who’s moved into the home you share with your sibling.
This person could also be a parent, business partner or boss.
Whatever it is, you’re finding that the tiny pieces of yourself that make you you, are disappearing.
And they’re disappearing so slowly that you don’t even notice they’re gone — until the day you realize that you’re living a life that doesn’t feel like yours anymore.
Toxic relationships rarely steal everything from you overnight.
Instead, they take away what’s important to you quietly, bit by bit, one day at a time.
They take away things like:
Your peace of mind.
You can’t seem to remember the last time you truly let yourself relax.
You walk into the room wondering what mood they’re in today.
You’re anxious even when nothing is going on. And when there is, your heart drops and feels like it’s going to pound its way out of your chest.
You never know when they’re going to get offended, turn nasty, or fly into a raging tantrum, so being hypervigilant is your new ‘normal’.
Your ability to trust yourself.
After years of being lied to, having your boundaries crossed with no acknowledgment or apology, and being asked to question your reality, you’ve started to second-guess yourself.
You no longer trust your instincts.
Your decisions.
Your truths.
And so you shrink from the world and yourself, unable to move through life without drowning in a sea of self-doubt.
Your energy.
Endless arguments, unresolved conflicts, and constant crisis management have worn you down to the bone.
You’re tired because you see no way out of this unhealthy pattern.
You go to bed at night with your thoughts racing and your entire body riddled with anxiety.
When you do manage to fall asleep, you wake up feeling exhausted.
And just the thought of having one more conversation with them makes you feel like crawling into bed and never coming out.
You’re now painfully aware of how mentally expensive being around emotionally unpredictable and toxic people is, but you don’t even have the energy to begin thinking about how to get yourself out of the situation you’re in.
Your time.
Instead of spending your time living your life to the fullest, you find yourself needing hours to days to recover from unnecessary arguments and traumatic outbursts.
You ruminate, replay, and think about all the things you could have said or done differently to make things right.
You try to fix problems you didn’t create.
You try to save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.
And when you realise that you can’t, you end up feeling resentful about having to deal with the fall-out from someone else’s problems, bad decisions, and inability to manage themselves.
Before you know it, years have passed you by — years that you could’ve spent living the life that you wanted, or building something meaningful for yourself.
Your relationships with emotionally healthy people.
Every minute that you spend on someone who drains you dry is time you lose out on spending with someone else who energizes you.
Instead of connecting, you end up feeling ashamed, withdrawing and cancelling plans because you barely have anything left to give to the relationships worth giving more to.
And so, the emotionally healthy people who could’ve been your source of strength, comfort and support slowly drift away, leaving you feeling even more trapped and isolated.
As for the toxic ones? They stay the centre of your emotional universe.
Your physical health.
As time goes on, you begin to feel a little ‘off’, but can’t quite put your finger on what.
That emotional blow-up you just got caught up in sends you running to the toilet.
You spend hours tossing and turning at 2AM when you should be fast asleep.
Your shoulders feel tense all the time.
Your jaw suddenly starts locking up, leaving you unable to eat and talk without wincing in pain.
Your blood pressure starts to creep up, and you find yourself having throbbing headaches more often.
You look fine on the outside, but on the inside, you feel like a mess.
Your ability to feel safe.
Feeling safe isn’t just about knowing that someone won’t hurt you physically.
It’s also about feeling emotionally safe with the people around you.
It’s about knowing that they’ll do what they say they’re going to do.
It’s about being able to trust that they’re not gossiping about you behind your back.
That they will never use the private and vulnerable parts of yourself that you shared with them, against you.
That they are capable and willing to say “I’m sorry” when they’ve hurt you.
One of the hardest things about toxic relationships is that they don’t just hurt you while you’re in them.
They also change the way you see yourself and the world around you. It changes how you show up in your own life and move through the world.
As someone who’s been to hell and back multiple times and is still healing, here’s what I need you to know: Reclaiming what they’ve taken from you won’t be easy, but it’s not impossible.
You can have a calm, peaceful life again.
You can rebuild your confidence.
You can start trusting yourself again.
You can feel safe again.
You can learn how to live a life that’s fully yours with the help of healthy boundaries.
Healing won’t happen overnight, but neither did the damage.
And every small step you take away from living in survival mode will be a step you take towards living the life you truly want.
START FEELING CALMER, HAPPIER & HEALTHIER…NOW.
If you’re too busy surviving, chances are, you’re not thriving. You’re feeling tired, unhealthy, unmotivated and just plain worn-out from life. I created my FREE Daily Self-Care Ritual Workbook just for busy folks like you who want to take back their health, peace of mind and happiness. Get your very own copy of the workbook HERE. No spam. Just helpful, good-for-you stuff. Pinky swear.
HELPFUL RESOURCES
Simplify Your Life: 100 Ways To Slow Down And Enjoy The Things That Really Matter by Elaine St. James I got my hands on this treasure over 15 years ago, way before simple living and minimalism became popular, and it was the first resource that introduced me to the practical, everyday steps I needed to ‘un-complicate’ my life.
Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How To Say No To Take Control Of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend Not having boundaries can end up wreaking havoc in your relationships and leave you feeling resentful, used, and disrespected. In this book, Cloud and Townsend show you how to get over the guilt of setting limits (this is particularly helpful if you’re a recovering people-pleaser like me) and equip you with the skills you need to build healthy relationships that will fulfill, not drain you dry.
Difficult Conversations: How To Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen and Roger Fisher Lousy, conflict-ridden conversations strain relationships, and don’t make difficult relationships any better. Here, the authors take you into the process of managing and expressing your feelings constructively rather than constantly muddling through who’s right, who meant what and who’s to blame.
Rethinking Narcissism: The Secret To Recognizing And Coping With Narcissists by Dr. Craig Malkin I never realized narcissists existed until I became tangled up with one for several years. It was only after I discovered what a narcissist was that I understood the damage that had been done to me. Dr. Malkin, a therapist, explains the true nature of narcissism — the good and bad, how unhealthy levels of narcissism can wreak havoc on your life, how to spot red flags that you might be dealing with a narcissist, and how to not only cope, but thrive when dealing with the narcissists in your life.
The Simple Living Guide When life feels overwhelming, this guide-and-workbook-in-one will help you gain clarity with your values, well-being, career, relationships and money.
The Good Morning Guide If your mornings are typically rushed, chaotic and stressful, I made this guide to help you start your day calm, sane and strong.
Tribe Of Mentors: Short Life Advice From The Best In The World by Timothy Ferriss Nothing beats having a mentor in your life who can personally guide you from day one. But not everyone does, and if (like me), you don’t, it doesn’t mean that you can’t learn from the best. Take what you need from the likes of Ray Dalio, Ben Stiller, Bear Grylls and more in this varied but comprehensive compilation of bite-sized advice on life, work and purpose from some of the best minds in the world.
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